Byron Bay with Byron Katie
A few years back, I was going through a divorce and decided to take some time off to restore my sense of self. Breakups and divorces are challenging as we all know. They provide a great opportunity to re-evaluate things, put the focus back on ourselves, do ‘the work’ to understand what happened, and to learn and grow in hopes of not taking any baggage with us into our next relationship.
In the order of eat, pray, love, I began my healing process. After eating everything I could to avoid my feelings, amongst a plethora of other reactive patterns, it was my time to pray. I really needed to drop into myself before I’d ever be ready to love again.
So I packed my bags, traveled to Australia, rented a caravan and drove to Byron Bay.
I decided a full body detox was in order to get back to the purity of myself again. I was ready to feel what I had been blocking in order to heal and have clarity again. I began the Byron bay detox program.
The communal area, where I went to pick up my juice and have a daily infrared sauna was beautiful. It was full of all kinds of spiritual cues and clues, giving plenty of opportunity to get the messages each individual needed. There were numerous books that encouraged taking back to your personal space.
Right on top of the stack of books in the center of the table was Byron Katie’s “Loving What Is.” You know that feeling when the book chooses you? It’s like I could almost hear it whispering to me, “this is for YOU.”
Time slows down while detoxing. There is so much space and time. One day can feel like three. I was experiencing epic boredom mixed with just enough over-thinking to almost go insane. How could I distract myself now?
The funny thing is, some part of me knew the power behind that book, because I didn’t pick it up for 3 days. I would look at it daily and just watch myself avoid it. I knew nothing about what this book would bring forth but something inside of me didn’t want to go “there.”
On day four, exhausted, detox symptoms in full swing, I finally sat down and picked up the book. Katie instantly felt soft and motherly. I felt held by her words and presence. I was ready to be open to her wisdom and what she had to share with me. I thought, “What was I so worried about?”
The first step in her worksheet felt great!
I got to dump out all my frustration, anger, sadness and stories out on paper. This exercise helped me get to the who and why behind it all.
Step two invited me to question my thoughts. Are any of my thoughts even real? Were these accusations and stories I had created, really True???
This is when things got interesting. This was the point where I had no choice but to loosen my grip on the things that had kept me mad or sad for so long. I felt like they were physically softening in my body and mind as the light shone on these events not being so concrete and True.
Then came the next step, “the turn around.”
This was the moment I wanted to just shut the book and not complete the objective of what this ‘work’ reveals.
The exercise was to write down the opposite of your thoughts. Are they as true or truer than your original thought?
It was so illuminating and almost scary.
For example, I write:
‘He can’t show up when I need him most’
‘He doesn’t hear what I’m actually saying’
‘He doesn’t truly see me’
‘He is lost in his own life’ etc etc
Is this really True?? Can you be sure??
Well.. no.
The Turn around:
‘I can’t show up for myself when I need me most’
I can’t show up for him when he needs me most’
‘I don’t see him’
‘I don’t see me’
‘i feel lost in my own life’
‘I don’t hear him’
Arghhh!!!!!
The list went on and on. Every single one of them, I could see, was reflective of my own projections. All of these feelings when turned around on myself were truer than my original accusations at him.
All this stuff I had been running from, pushing away, upset about and creating all sorts of reactions about was staring at me right in the face. It was as simple as looking more deeply at myself.
I mean, I knew this kind of ‘relationships are mirrors’ type thang, but never had it hit me so square in the face in just three simple steps.
I realized in this moment I had a lot of work to do. I wanted to extend apologies and atone for my part in everything, not to mention, undergo a massive reclaiming of responsibility for my own life.
I felt my whole body flush with warmth and tears started to fall down my face. The trickling tears turned into a non-stop pouring forth that lasted through the night.
I did in fact end up slamming the book after that hour of deep inquiry and never wanted to open it or face all of this again. I felt it to be true and at the same time wasn’t ready to face it all, feel it all, and take full responsibility.
It wasn’t until a year later while doing the landmark forum that I recalled this kind of self indicted upset. The course reminded me of how powerful Byron Katie’s work was. The three day intensive was revealing what I had already had a glimpse into when doing ‘the work’ sheet.
I felt inspired to pick the book back up and now I use it as a tool whenever I have an issue that comes up in a relationship or with a friend. I have been able to use it while working through minor frustrations over the years, before things get too out of hand. I simply put the situation through the worksheet and it’s wild how much clarity it brings me. It shows me what’s mine to work through and what’s not within my control or my responsibility.
I am back in Byron Bay four years later and happy to report, I am in a much better place within myself. I still can’t help but reflect and remember that challenging time. I realize it’s taken me all these years to release the emotional charge of that time in my life and see it for what it really was. Now there is no blaming or shaming myself or others. I am grateful to have experienced deeper levels of healing that needed to take place, especially after the reactions that me and my ex had to our “stories” of each other and our relationship. I can honestly see now that everything was rooted in these ‘small’ stories we told ourselves and that doing ‘the work’ could have helped us avoid any harm we caused one another.
Don’t wait, do ‘the work!’
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